my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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