I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
