My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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