Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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