Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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