we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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