you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize