I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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