I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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