How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
