Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
