OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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