There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
