yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
