I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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