This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
