Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
