He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
