You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
