He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
