saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
