Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
