I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
