I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
how can u be prego again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
