is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
