Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize