1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
