dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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