she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
