K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
