So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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