toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
