is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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