Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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