My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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