How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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