So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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