I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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