Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
