Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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