Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
