Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
