mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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