She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
