i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
