Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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