Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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