All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
