Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
