Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
