I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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