Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
