I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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