Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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