my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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