now i know why i became what i already was.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
